Title: "Community: Karen, part 1"
"Your father said that he's looking for work?"
During the periods where he wasn't back on the road, the sitting and making talk on a couch were like a long lost treasure. Zero sat in Erica's father's house, her on the opposite couch. "Where is he looking?"
By emotional appearances, Erica was looking to be doing better since the passing of Matt. She was a far cry from the girl three weeks earlier, never knowing if her emotions would take control of her and cause her to break down. She had gotten better. By all appearances, she was overcoming the grievance stage.
"He's looking everywhere, I think. The summer's coming up. People will want new houses during this time. It's a good time to look for work in the construction field." The ring in her speech was even sounding a little better. Given, it wasn't the same optimism that had once been there. But there seemed to be some sort of hope returning to her voice.
Zero nodded. His time had been sacrificed a lot since returning to wrestling. But when he was given the chance, he still found time to have some sort of conversation with Erica. He wanted to always see how well she was progressing. Seeing her talking again with a clear face was something positive. He knew full well what she was going through and how long it can sometimes take to break free from the lows.
"Everywhere inside of the county?" he asked her. It wasn't that he had to know all of the details concerning Fred's, Erica's father, journey towards employment. It was just a small talk to continue helping her verbally in what ways he could until the baby would eventually arrive. After that, the added task of monetary would kick in.
The baby. He wondered if she had even delved on that subject for much time lately. She had been dealt two blows, each a strong one in it's own right. Once she overcame Matt, the upcoming future of motherhood still lied before her. But then wasn't the time to fill her mind with more relative gloom.
The things that were on Zero's mind were not on Erica's mind, at least as in how much she was outwardly showing them to be. "I'm guessing the county. I'm pretty he didn't mean something like across the state or anything out of California. That'd be crazy." She nodded her head. She knew it was just small talk, too. How interesting was talking of her father for the two of them? Other than an outlook for a financial cushion, there wasn't anything of great delight stemming from it.
"You know," she concluded, "you're not here to find out about my dad."
Zero placed his elbow on the shoulder of the couch and rested his chin on his hand. "Well, you're right," he said. "But I am here. If your dad is what we wind up talking about, then so be it."
"I know," she said, knowing what he was getting at. "But, I mean, you travel across these states each week and you don't have to. Then, when you get back home, you come over here. And what do we talk about? We talk about something that isn't even going to affect you whatsoever. I feel like I'm cheating you of time to rest because I am keeping you here. I feel like I'm cheating you, period." She sighed and slowly ran her hands through her hair. She looked back up to Zero, but he was just sitting there, taking in what she said.
"No…" he said. "You're not cheating me of anything. You're helping me."
She was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"I mean," he started, "I could easily say that going back to wrestling is something I don't want to do and wish that it never happened. I could easily say that it isn't easy when I run across men who I thought I would never see again, and would hope to never see again. But then again, it's not easy to say all of that, because it wouldn't be completely true. You're helping me, whether you realize it or not, by pushing me onward towards something in life. What that is, it's unimportant. What matters is, it's something, and that's all that counts." He took a moment to let her take all of that in.
"Zero," she softly said, "I haven't done anything except screw up."
"No," he said, trying to comfort her with words, "you didn't screw up. Nobody has screwed up. Choices are decisions. Sometimes those decisions don't work out exactly as planned, but how was anyone to know of that ahead of time?"
She stirred in her seat. Her mind drifted back to the baby… to Matt… "No, I mean…" She looked up at him. She looked into his eyes. They told her that he was going to be a hard one to prove wrong. "I'm trying to put Matt's death into the back of my mind, hoping that I can move on from it." She said that without shedding a tear. "But I know that I also have a child inside of me."
So she was thinking of the child. Zero didn't say anything. It was her moment to speak. She had done so little of it lately. It was good for her to finally be able to say what it was that was on her mind.
She spoke again after a brief moment of silence. "But what is upcoming for me is something that is my own fault. What's upcoming for you is not your fault. It's my fault, too. The death of Matt… it was neither of our fault… but is still something that hits me just as hard as everything else that is happening."
He decided to speak up and let her rest for a moment. He could tell that she was starting to force everything that she was saying and, before too long, she'd talk herself right back into the lull that she was fighting to come out of. "It's always hard to overcome the loss of someone." He nodded, hoping that could help her in some way.
Her eyes looked up to him. "Who else have you lost?" Despite everything that she was saying, the more she talked about the crisis that surrounded her, the lower it made her feel. If Zero had been through the loss of someone before, maybe it could give her hope in finding out how stable her mind could return to one day.
The passing of her mother had been many years earlier. She had been just a child, and had doubted if she really understand the significance of what had happened. She knew that her father had taken the death very bad. So bad, it had almost made her feel like the mother in the household after that, the woman who he would talk to in place of his wife. It was those feelings that she remembered most from her mother's passing, not the sinking feeling of never being able to see her mother again.
Many years later, the death of Matt had been much different. She had felt it. But it was just the first time, in essence, for her. If Zero could show a sign of hope in the end, then she was all ears to see how he overcame it.
Zero took a sigh and looked over to her. He still remembered the first time he and Erica had really met. He had been taking her home -the house that he was now sitting in- and the topic of Karen had been brought up then. He had quickly shunned the conversation elsewhere. He had not wanted to go into details with her then. He hadn't wanted to with anyone. But almost a year later, it seemed as if Karen was truly just someone from his past. She was a distance ghost who sat far out of range, keeping him in the safety net of tranquility while talking of her.
The thought of a discussion about Karen that could arise passed through Zero's head. It was something other than talk of employment, and could be something to deviate Erica's words that made her feel less and less of herself.
If he had to do it… he would go ahead with it. And it looked like a situation where it could possibly fit.
"I lost someone by a simple misconception."
She scrunched her eyes, not sure of what it was that he was trying to say.
He continued. "It wasn't a death, no. But it felt like a death. It felt like my own death. It felt as if someone had killed me, but left my soul to lay inside of my body and had forced it to continue on in living. It's been two years and I'm just now past the point of feeling such as that."
That was how she was feeling. It was as if her body had ceased to exist, but she was still going through the motions of living a life that she could not control. Already, she could feel that she could relate to the things that Zero was saying. A glint of hope could almost be found.
Erica sat up. "What happened?" she asked. She had never heard of this story. She knew that there were things that Zero had not told her about. She knew Matt had often kept quiet about some stories that just involved Zero. Stories that the two had encountered, he would share freely. But he had felt that Zero's past stories were his, and his alone, to tell.
Matt… she tried to block out the memories. She had found herself doing that a lot lately when Matt would cross her mind. She would simply try to block the thoughts out in hopes of being able to pull through the situation.
Zero stirred in his seat. He couldn't tell the story without something to accompany him. "Does your father mind smoking in the house?" he asked.
"No, no…" She waved her hand toward him. "His friends come over and do it all of the time. It's no big deal."
Zero pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Taking a drag, he mentally prepared himself for the story he was about to share with Erica. During the passing of Matt, he had remained strong because of the firm standing he had had to provide for Erica. In the situation before that involving Karen, there had been no such thing and the ordeal had hit him hard. With that, he had known how Erica had felt at the moment of Matt's death.
"I used to… I don't know…" He paused, unsure of how he should word it. "Date," was the only thing that he could think of, "a woman named Karen Jones." He paused for his cigarette.
"I knew that you used to," said Erica. "But neither you nor Matt had ever told me what happened to her. Is she still around?" Erica pulled a pillow up to her chest and curled her arms around it. Her arms brushed her stomach. Her thoughts tightened. She tried to quickly release the looming fears into the pillow. She squeezed it tight around her chest, mentally in hopes of something positive to hear to show her that rainbow of hopes of there being something positive in situations that start off terrible.
"No, I honestly don't know where she is now." He looked over to her. His mind drifted back to their first car ride; the gleam in her eyes back then had reminded him of Karen. He hadn't even been able to look into them. Perhaps everything he saw during that time reminded him of the woman? In hindsight, that always said so. "But the story," he continued, "is something I really haven't spoken of in quite a while.
"It all started back in the spring of 1999…"
