12/06/99

I can't understand. I have called every directory assistance line that I can think of, but still, I cannot find Karen's number. But of course, while trying to find Karen's number, I will also find Havoc's. I am not sure what happen should Havoc and I meet over a phone. What would be said? Maybe it's a good thing that I have not found Karen's number.

But, I do need to talk to her. I only have what she had told me in the ring back at Houston. I have not seen her since then, so how am I to know what plan is? She said she talked to . . . him, but can she trust him? What trustworthy thing has he ever done to her? But what's worse . . . can I trust Karen? Again?

I trusted her in the past. I had absolute confidence in every idea that she had. But can I trust her on this idea? She's asking a lot, and I don't know if I can supply the faith for her ideas.

As well, though, I am sure she wonders if she can trust me, again. She had a lot of faith in me during the past. Maybe she is stepping out on a chance on this one, as well. I wonder if she wonders what I will do. Can I go along with it?

Maybe this is my chance to proove to her that I am the same guy who she loved back in Berkeley. Maybe the trust that we once had in each other can be restored once again. If things cannot be like they were back then exactly, at least hopefully the trust part could come back.

In writing this, I ask myself . . . am I thinking too much about Karen? Am I over-pondering the details? And also . . . is this going to knock me out of a needed set of mind? I have a battle royal coming up soon at the PPV. Is Karen going to be so heavily on my mind, that I'll become so distracted in what is without a doubt my biggest match in CSWA so far. My chance, and what could be my only chance, to proove that I can do it. That I can show everyone wrong. Will Karen be on my mind so much, that I will let that other opportunity slide by?

But, what about Karen? She is also the biggest opportunity of my life. She is not wrestling . . . she is real life, after the arena lights are turned off. She was what I used to go home to, and now . . . she is the memory I think of when I return to this place that I cannot call my home; merely an apartment.

I cannot let one overshadow the other. I have to keep them both in the forefront of my thoughts. I have to find a way to be able to sort them both out. But what about what Karen told me? Does that weigh even deeper than the problems at immediate hand?

I need to return to the alley soon. I have been away from it for so long, it has affected my mind. I need somewhere where I can think clear and straight, and the alley was what always done the trick for me. When I was a child. When I was growing up. And even now that I am grown. Things do not truly change, they only stay the same at a larger proportion.

I'm ending this entry right here. I know where I need to go right now. The winds are blowing hard, the temperature is dropping below the 30's, but it doesn't matter. My head is spinning so fast, I see the winds in slow motion.

I'll have to write what happens. A reference . . .

Until then . . .